Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
