You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
