If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
