Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
