If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
