remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
