I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
