im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
