Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
and i looked up. we had an audience...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
