Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
