I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
