So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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