I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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