Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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