Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
