Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
