So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize