Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
