How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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