I think i sorta joined a cult last night
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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