Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize