I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
