I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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