Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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