Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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