It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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