I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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