Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Damn victory sex feels great
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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