He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You may now shotgun with the bride
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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