Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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