I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
