He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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