their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So vagazzling was a success
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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