watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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