Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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