...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
