My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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