one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
