I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
