seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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