no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
