i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Houston, we have a squirter
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
