youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
