How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
