is your mom at the bar?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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