I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize