I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
