why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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