I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
