i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
