First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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