Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
