you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize