The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
