My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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