It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
