Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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