I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize