I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
